Good bye TTC blog

Dear friends,

As my title explains, yes I have decided to end my ttc blog. I have thought about this and I have decided to say goodbye to my ttc blog. The reason being is ...I started to blog purely to share my experience and struggle that I went through on my ttc journey so that those ttc can have an idea what to expect during a treatment. As my respect to those ttc, I think I should end this blog. No doubt I have so many experiences and struggle that I am going through having a premature baby, but I decided I will not share it here. I really want to share the story of a premature baby in a different blog. Just that, I do not have the time to write a new blog right now as my sunshine really needs my attention. But I am sure I will start it soon as I want share my experience as I feel it will be helpful to some mothers out there. 

What I have gain by my ttc blog so far?

1) I have been able to keep track of my treatment and journey.

2) I found some new friends who were there to support me during the good and bad times.

3) I have a self satisfaction that my blog somehow motivated some friends to keep on trying to conceive and try out fertility treatments.

I am only saying goodbye to this ttc blog but my email account will still be active. Please do not hesitate to email me if you have any questions on my journey. I will try my best to get back to you the soonest. Please drop an email to wishingforasunshine@gmail.com. 

For those who are ttc, please do not lose hope. Keep on trying as you might not know when you will hit the jackpot. Stay strong and be positive. My prayers will always be there for those who are ttc as I know how difficult it is to get up each time you fail. Wishing you all the luck and baby dust to all of you guys out there.


To my sunshine,

Acca and Amma had gone through leaps and bounds trying to get you.
You were so difficult to find.
At times, we were given the ray of sunshine but at last it ended up with a heavy rain instead.
We felt you were so near yet so far.
At first, we never thought it will be as difficult and challenging to find you.
When we found that you were in me, nothing was more beautiful than you.
Even when the pregnancy phase was not good, I tried to keep you as healthy as I could.
I remember the time when you kicked me when I asked you why you were smaller than supposed to be.
I carried you to regular checkups.
I was shocked when the Dr said you were not safe in me anymore.
I know I prayed so hard in the OT that you will come out from me healthy.
No doubt you cried your lungs out when you were pulled from my stomach.
I saw Acca carried you in awkward way since you were so tiny.
I gave you a kiss which you certainly were not aware of.
You were too tiny and your eyes were shut.
I was surprised I did not cry when I held you for the first time.
But now every day I look at you while you are asleep, I just enjoy my tears as I know my sunshine is finally here.
I have more to tell you but not here.
No money can buy the happiness that you have brought into our lives.
You are priceless and we love you so much.

To be continued.......

27 Dec 2013, an unforgettable day in my life

27 Dec 2013 (Fri) marked an important day in my husband's and my life. We held our precious sunshine for the very first time. All these while, it was just in our imagination. No words can describe how we felt when we heard her for the very first time in the OT. Her cry had just awakened us from the reality that we are not just a couple anymore; we are parents to this beautiful little girl. 

What happened on that day? I was very uncomfortable from  Monday. I had a lot of sharp pains and I was very uncomfortable throughout the week. I really wished I had my husband by my side at that time. I did baby kicks calculation daily to ensure that she is fine. Moreover with all the pain, I was so worried if she was ok in there. I couldn't sleep well the whole week. I blamed it on my weight gain. I had gained 13 kg so far throughout the pregnancy. I waited for Friday to come so badly because I wanted my Dr to know my condition. 

Friday came. I was so anxious to meet with Dr Subra that day. I was worried if my baby had gained weight. I was worried if my water level had gone down. I was worried if my baby had changed position, as earlier her head was downwards. I went to the checkup early as usual with my parents. The clinic runs on first come first serve basis like many other clinics. We reached there around 7.45 am. We waited for the nurses to come. As usual had my urine and weight checked. I felt very heavy and uncomfortable. We went for our breakfast. This was our usual routine. Go in early, get the number, go for breakfast and wait for the Dr. We waited for the Dr. I felt so uncomfortable sitting down. I sat, I stood up, I walked and I was so restless. 

I was happy to see Dr Subra. My name was called. My mother and I went in. Dr asked me how I was feeling. I told him I had a lot of sharp pains the whole week. He looked concerned. He told me, “ Let's see.” I got on the bed and got ready for the scan. The only thing on my mind was hoping that my baby was more than 2kg. Dr scanned and my baby was 1.9kg. Disappointed a little. He told me that he wanted to deliver my baby safely soon. He then checked the position. Her head was downwards. Then it came to the water level checking. It was a bit longer scan on that. I was quiet and waiting for him to count. He was quiet as well. Then he went to his table and made a call. As blur as I was, I got ready and went to the Dr's table. I just sat and listened to his telephone conversation. At first I didn't get it. Then I realized he most probably was talking about my case as he mentioned the baby's weight was 1.9 kg. I looked at my mother. She did not realize anything. I just waited for Dr Subra to end his call. 

"Girl, you are going to deliver today". Those were his words. "Haaaa.....Really ah Dr"? That was what came out from  my mouth. Although I was shocked with the outcome, I was mentally OK to hear the news. He said my water level was just 2 cm. It's not safe for the baby to be inside any longer. We need an emergency Caesar. Actually Dr Subra was on a half day leave since it was his son's birthday. But he said that the baby really needs to come out today. I was feeling a bit guilty as he had to cancel his leave for me but I was grateful to have such a wonderful Dr. He told me he contacted Dr Syed who will be my baby's pediatrician. He then told me that most probably the operation will take place after 3pm. But I will need to admit immediately. He quickly filled up the necessary form for the operation. He told me not to tell my husband that I will go in for Caesar and just tell him admitted for observation so that he will not rush from Raub. He said even if my husband was not around, we will still take the baby out.

I came out from the clinic. My mother went to tell my father about the news. I called my husband and told him that Dr said I have to deliver today. He paused making me wonder if he heard me. Then he said, "What?”  I repeated myself and told him my water level was only 2cm. I remembered clearly the next statement from him was, "How come you telling like you going for shopping or something". Hehe. True enough. I was very calm at that time. I just told him not to rush. 

I went downstairs, made my deposits and got to my room, changed to my OT gown. I waited patiently for my husband. Around 1 o'clock, he arrived. I was so relieved that he will be there with me to welcome our daughter. Around 3 o'clock, nurses wheeled my bed to the waiting area near the OT. There was a man, a grandmother waiting for their turn. Around 4 o'clock I was wheeled in the OT. The anaesthetist asked me to bend forward to put a jab at my spine. I was numb halfway after that. I can feel a bit when they inserted the urine bag. After that, Dr Subra came in. He greeted me and my husband. A cloth was in front of me to cover me from looking at the procedure I guess. As I was talking to my husband, I missed the procedure where they cut my stomach. I could see a reflection of what was done through a small mirror above me; I saw a lot of fresh red blood. The anaesthetist told my husband to stand up and see. I know the moment that we have been waiting for will be here anytime. I just prayed I will hear her cry when she is out. I looked at the mirror above. I saw a beautiful tiny little angel being pulled out from my tummy. And there it was the loudest cry ever. Phewww....I was relieved. It was 4.18 pm. Even the nurse said that she was very noisy. My sunshine was taken away very quickly. After few minutes, the nurse brought her back and asked if my husband wants to carry. He was scared to carry a tiny little girl. I can see it from his expression. He took her for the very first time until a nurse said he doesn't looked confident carrying the baby. Yes, she was small. Then the nurse held her near me. I gave a kiss on her tiny little face. The nurse put her to breastfeed. Since I had flat nipple, baby had a hard time. Then nurse took her for observation. I was praying she will not need to be in ICU. 

I was shivering a lot. I just wanted the Dr to finish stitching me as fast as he could. After the Dr was done, he shook my hands and congratulated me. The nurses dressed me up. I had to wait again outside for observation. They took my pressure now and then. I was shivering badly. A nurse gave me an extra blanket but it was not as helpful as I thought. I was still shivering. I asked the nurse if it was normal. The nurse confirmed it was normal as I have lost some blood. After that, nurses came to wheel me back to my room. As I came out, I saw my family members and my relatives. I was waving to each and everyone. There were 14 of them altogether. I felt like a queen waving left and right. Hehe.

Nurse told me that my baby is kept for observation. They will bring her around 6.30pm. We waited anxiously for the baby. All my family members were so excited when the nurse wheeled her in. She was a 1.86kg baby. Such a fighter she is. She was not required to stay in the NICU. That's my unforgettable day in my life. A day to cherish for the rest of my life. I am actually typing this entry while waiting for her to scream for her milk. Hehe. I am enjoying my sleepless nights taking care of my precious little sunshine. Can’t wait for her to be big enough to tell her story how we manage to conceive her.

Friends, I created this blog mainly to let those who are trying to conceive have a slight idea what to expect during the infertility treatments. Now my heart is divided. Whether I should stop blog walking or I should continue blogging about a life of a premature (preemie) baby. Will let you guys know very soon.

My sunshine is here.......

Hi friends, 

As the title, YES....my beautiful sunshine has made it safely into my world on 27 Dec 2013 which was 1 month earlier than the expected due date. I'm so sorry that I did not update my blog for so long. It was due to all the vomiting and all the hurdles I went through during my pregnancy. Many friends here have e-mailed me regarding how I was doing. I am so happy that I am supported by those who don't even know me personally. I will let you guys know in short what I went through throughout my silence. 

After 18 June 2013 - I had few appointments with Dr Helena before she referred me to Dr Raman from FMGC to get tested for Down syndrome for the baby.

Week 12 - Tested for Down syndrome Test with Dr Raman. He was a friendly Dr with all the positive vibes you will need. I received the results after few days. All were good except I was a bit low on the hemoglobin level. 

Week 13 - We had a test result review with Dr Helena. It was our last appointment in KL Fertility before we see a Gymea of our choice since KL Fertility only concentrates getting the patients through the most crucial time of pregnancy which is the first trimester. Since it was the last appointment, she gave a referral letter to Dr Subra from KPJ Seremban which was our Dr of choice and coincidentally he was a friend of Dr Helena. That made it much easier. It was a bit sad to leave the hospital but we knew we will be back here when the baby arrives. 

Week 13 - I decided to get registered for the pink book from the government clinic. Based on all their tests, I have low HB as I knew earlier. They prescribed me with the medicine to help my HB. I went for all their appointments and towards the end Dr said I might need to be admitted to the hosp to take care of my HB. Luckily my baby arrived before the appt. I do not want to go in detail with the government appointments. 

Week 14 - We met Dr Subra in KPJ Seremban. The Dr was friendly and warm towards us. We had a connection going on even the first appointment. We gave the referral letter from Dr Helena. He was happy to hear Dr Helena's name. We discussed my health condition with Dr. He was not really concerned with the infection as it was quite normal during pregnancy and he will give me antibiotics 2 weeks before delivery. For the HB, he said just to continue the medication given by Dr Helena. We had a scan and baby was doing fine

Week 16, 18, 20 - Scans were done. Baby was in great shape and was growing at a normal phase.

Week 22 - We had a detailed scan with Dr Subra. All the required criteria were good. The baby was a girl as per the scan. I was happy, even though gender did not matter at all for a couple who was trying so hard to get a baby. Dr did not allow me to go back to Raub as my placenta was on the low side and there are chances to miscarry my baby as I have 2 miscarriages before this. I was imagining myself going back to Raub with my husband and can play with my puppy earlier as I wanted to go back after the detailed scan. But my imagination was cut short. It was OK as long my baby was in good health. I wouldn’t do anything that might hurt my baby. I was given an appointment after 1 month.

Week 25- My vomiting stopped. I had it only once in a while.

Week 26 - We had an appointment with Dr Subra. I was shocked to hear that my baby was underweight and was categorized as an Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) baby. Dr mentioned that if the baby's weight was less than 1.8 kg during delivery, she might have complication after birth. She might need to be in NICU which will be very heavy on the cost if it was in KPJ. I might need to consider government hospital for accommodating my baby. I held it together in the Dr's office. But when I came out from the clinic tears started to peak and drop on my cheeks. Dr asked me to get Im Dexa 12mg shot to help baby's lung to mature. My baby's condition really worried me. I had many sleepless nights thinking of it. I updated Dr Helena on my situation. She called me once she read my email. She advised me to drop by at Dr Raman's (FMGC) clinic to get his opinion as well.

Week 26 - We dropped by Dr Raman's clinic. He confirmed baby was on the borderline IUGR and my water level was less. My heart shattered. I then started to read a lot on IUGR babies.

Week 27 - According to Dr Subra's scan, baby was still underweight and my water level was low. He also stressed that my placenta was on the low side. He expected an early delivery. He said he will be happy if I can hold my baby till week 34.

Week 28 - Baby's weight increased but still underweight range. Appointment was every 5 days.

Week 32 - Baby was still underweight and my water level was 8 cm. Dr mentioned that if my water level gets lesser than 6 cm, I will go into an early delivery.

Week 33 - Baby did not gain any weight which definitely had my heart shattered. My water level remained at 8cm. Dr asked me to come in every 3 days. There were many travelling for me and my baby.

Week 34, 3 days (Mon) - Baby's weight was 1.9 kg. My water level was 8 cm.

Week 34 (Mon - Thurs) - Had a lot of pain in my tummy. I was so uncomfortable throughout the week. I had already gained 13 kg so far. Thus, I blamed on the weight for my uncomfortable situation. I did not go to hospital to get checked as I will be going in for my regular checkup on Fri, which will be the starting of my week 35.

Week 35 (Fri) - Baby's weight was 1.9 kg but my water level was only 2cm. I was shocked. Dr scheduled for an emergency Caesar. My sunshine came to my beautiful world at 4.18pm. There were no words that can describe how I felt when I heard her first cry when she was pulled out from my stomach.

The above was a summary what I went through during my pregnancy. I will explain in detail what happened that Friday, 27 Dec 2013 in my next blog entry.