Good bye TTC blog

Dear friends,

As my title explains, yes I have decided to end my ttc blog. I have thought about this and I have decided to say goodbye to my ttc blog. The reason being is ...I started to blog purely to share my experience and struggle that I went through on my ttc journey so that those ttc can have an idea what to expect during a treatment. As my respect to those ttc, I think I should end this blog. No doubt I have so many experiences and struggle that I am going through having a premature baby, but I decided I will not share it here. I really want to share the story of a premature baby in a different blog. Just that, I do not have the time to write a new blog right now as my sunshine really needs my attention. But I am sure I will start it soon as I want share my experience as I feel it will be helpful to some mothers out there. 

What I have gain by my ttc blog so far?

1) I have been able to keep track of my treatment and journey.

2) I found some new friends who were there to support me during the good and bad times.

3) I have a self satisfaction that my blog somehow motivated some friends to keep on trying to conceive and try out fertility treatments.

I am only saying goodbye to this ttc blog but my email account will still be active. Please do not hesitate to email me if you have any questions on my journey. I will try my best to get back to you the soonest. Please drop an email to wishingforasunshine@gmail.com. 

For those who are ttc, please do not lose hope. Keep on trying as you might not know when you will hit the jackpot. Stay strong and be positive. My prayers will always be there for those who are ttc as I know how difficult it is to get up each time you fail. Wishing you all the luck and baby dust to all of you guys out there.


To my sunshine,

Acca and Amma had gone through leaps and bounds trying to get you.
You were so difficult to find.
At times, we were given the ray of sunshine but at last it ended up with a heavy rain instead.
We felt you were so near yet so far.
At first, we never thought it will be as difficult and challenging to find you.
When we found that you were in me, nothing was more beautiful than you.
Even when the pregnancy phase was not good, I tried to keep you as healthy as I could.
I remember the time when you kicked me when I asked you why you were smaller than supposed to be.
I carried you to regular checkups.
I was shocked when the Dr said you were not safe in me anymore.
I know I prayed so hard in the OT that you will come out from me healthy.
No doubt you cried your lungs out when you were pulled from my stomach.
I saw Acca carried you in awkward way since you were so tiny.
I gave you a kiss which you certainly were not aware of.
You were too tiny and your eyes were shut.
I was surprised I did not cry when I held you for the first time.
But now every day I look at you while you are asleep, I just enjoy my tears as I know my sunshine is finally here.
I have more to tell you but not here.
No money can buy the happiness that you have brought into our lives.
You are priceless and we love you so much.

To be continued.......

27 Dec 2013, an unforgettable day in my life

27 Dec 2013 (Fri) marked an important day in my husband's and my life. We held our precious sunshine for the very first time. All these while, it was just in our imagination. No words can describe how we felt when we heard her for the very first time in the OT. Her cry had just awakened us from the reality that we are not just a couple anymore; we are parents to this beautiful little girl. 

What happened on that day? I was very uncomfortable from  Monday. I had a lot of sharp pains and I was very uncomfortable throughout the week. I really wished I had my husband by my side at that time. I did baby kicks calculation daily to ensure that she is fine. Moreover with all the pain, I was so worried if she was ok in there. I couldn't sleep well the whole week. I blamed it on my weight gain. I had gained 13 kg so far throughout the pregnancy. I waited for Friday to come so badly because I wanted my Dr to know my condition. 

Friday came. I was so anxious to meet with Dr Subra that day. I was worried if my baby had gained weight. I was worried if my water level had gone down. I was worried if my baby had changed position, as earlier her head was downwards. I went to the checkup early as usual with my parents. The clinic runs on first come first serve basis like many other clinics. We reached there around 7.45 am. We waited for the nurses to come. As usual had my urine and weight checked. I felt very heavy and uncomfortable. We went for our breakfast. This was our usual routine. Go in early, get the number, go for breakfast and wait for the Dr. We waited for the Dr. I felt so uncomfortable sitting down. I sat, I stood up, I walked and I was so restless. 

I was happy to see Dr Subra. My name was called. My mother and I went in. Dr asked me how I was feeling. I told him I had a lot of sharp pains the whole week. He looked concerned. He told me, “ Let's see.” I got on the bed and got ready for the scan. The only thing on my mind was hoping that my baby was more than 2kg. Dr scanned and my baby was 1.9kg. Disappointed a little. He told me that he wanted to deliver my baby safely soon. He then checked the position. Her head was downwards. Then it came to the water level checking. It was a bit longer scan on that. I was quiet and waiting for him to count. He was quiet as well. Then he went to his table and made a call. As blur as I was, I got ready and went to the Dr's table. I just sat and listened to his telephone conversation. At first I didn't get it. Then I realized he most probably was talking about my case as he mentioned the baby's weight was 1.9 kg. I looked at my mother. She did not realize anything. I just waited for Dr Subra to end his call. 

"Girl, you are going to deliver today". Those were his words. "Haaaa.....Really ah Dr"? That was what came out from  my mouth. Although I was shocked with the outcome, I was mentally OK to hear the news. He said my water level was just 2 cm. It's not safe for the baby to be inside any longer. We need an emergency Caesar. Actually Dr Subra was on a half day leave since it was his son's birthday. But he said that the baby really needs to come out today. I was feeling a bit guilty as he had to cancel his leave for me but I was grateful to have such a wonderful Dr. He told me he contacted Dr Syed who will be my baby's pediatrician. He then told me that most probably the operation will take place after 3pm. But I will need to admit immediately. He quickly filled up the necessary form for the operation. He told me not to tell my husband that I will go in for Caesar and just tell him admitted for observation so that he will not rush from Raub. He said even if my husband was not around, we will still take the baby out.

I came out from the clinic. My mother went to tell my father about the news. I called my husband and told him that Dr said I have to deliver today. He paused making me wonder if he heard me. Then he said, "What?”  I repeated myself and told him my water level was only 2cm. I remembered clearly the next statement from him was, "How come you telling like you going for shopping or something". Hehe. True enough. I was very calm at that time. I just told him not to rush. 

I went downstairs, made my deposits and got to my room, changed to my OT gown. I waited patiently for my husband. Around 1 o'clock, he arrived. I was so relieved that he will be there with me to welcome our daughter. Around 3 o'clock, nurses wheeled my bed to the waiting area near the OT. There was a man, a grandmother waiting for their turn. Around 4 o'clock I was wheeled in the OT. The anaesthetist asked me to bend forward to put a jab at my spine. I was numb halfway after that. I can feel a bit when they inserted the urine bag. After that, Dr Subra came in. He greeted me and my husband. A cloth was in front of me to cover me from looking at the procedure I guess. As I was talking to my husband, I missed the procedure where they cut my stomach. I could see a reflection of what was done through a small mirror above me; I saw a lot of fresh red blood. The anaesthetist told my husband to stand up and see. I know the moment that we have been waiting for will be here anytime. I just prayed I will hear her cry when she is out. I looked at the mirror above. I saw a beautiful tiny little angel being pulled out from my tummy. And there it was the loudest cry ever. Phewww....I was relieved. It was 4.18 pm. Even the nurse said that she was very noisy. My sunshine was taken away very quickly. After few minutes, the nurse brought her back and asked if my husband wants to carry. He was scared to carry a tiny little girl. I can see it from his expression. He took her for the very first time until a nurse said he doesn't looked confident carrying the baby. Yes, she was small. Then the nurse held her near me. I gave a kiss on her tiny little face. The nurse put her to breastfeed. Since I had flat nipple, baby had a hard time. Then nurse took her for observation. I was praying she will not need to be in ICU. 

I was shivering a lot. I just wanted the Dr to finish stitching me as fast as he could. After the Dr was done, he shook my hands and congratulated me. The nurses dressed me up. I had to wait again outside for observation. They took my pressure now and then. I was shivering badly. A nurse gave me an extra blanket but it was not as helpful as I thought. I was still shivering. I asked the nurse if it was normal. The nurse confirmed it was normal as I have lost some blood. After that, nurses came to wheel me back to my room. As I came out, I saw my family members and my relatives. I was waving to each and everyone. There were 14 of them altogether. I felt like a queen waving left and right. Hehe.

Nurse told me that my baby is kept for observation. They will bring her around 6.30pm. We waited anxiously for the baby. All my family members were so excited when the nurse wheeled her in. She was a 1.86kg baby. Such a fighter she is. She was not required to stay in the NICU. That's my unforgettable day in my life. A day to cherish for the rest of my life. I am actually typing this entry while waiting for her to scream for her milk. Hehe. I am enjoying my sleepless nights taking care of my precious little sunshine. Can’t wait for her to be big enough to tell her story how we manage to conceive her.

Friends, I created this blog mainly to let those who are trying to conceive have a slight idea what to expect during the infertility treatments. Now my heart is divided. Whether I should stop blog walking or I should continue blogging about a life of a premature (preemie) baby. Will let you guys know very soon.

My sunshine is here.......

Hi friends, 

As the title, YES....my beautiful sunshine has made it safely into my world on 27 Dec 2013 which was 1 month earlier than the expected due date. I'm so sorry that I did not update my blog for so long. It was due to all the vomiting and all the hurdles I went through during my pregnancy. Many friends here have e-mailed me regarding how I was doing. I am so happy that I am supported by those who don't even know me personally. I will let you guys know in short what I went through throughout my silence. 

After 18 June 2013 - I had few appointments with Dr Helena before she referred me to Dr Raman from FMGC to get tested for Down syndrome for the baby.

Week 12 - Tested for Down syndrome Test with Dr Raman. He was a friendly Dr with all the positive vibes you will need. I received the results after few days. All were good except I was a bit low on the hemoglobin level. 

Week 13 - We had a test result review with Dr Helena. It was our last appointment in KL Fertility before we see a Gymea of our choice since KL Fertility only concentrates getting the patients through the most crucial time of pregnancy which is the first trimester. Since it was the last appointment, she gave a referral letter to Dr Subra from KPJ Seremban which was our Dr of choice and coincidentally he was a friend of Dr Helena. That made it much easier. It was a bit sad to leave the hospital but we knew we will be back here when the baby arrives. 

Week 13 - I decided to get registered for the pink book from the government clinic. Based on all their tests, I have low HB as I knew earlier. They prescribed me with the medicine to help my HB. I went for all their appointments and towards the end Dr said I might need to be admitted to the hosp to take care of my HB. Luckily my baby arrived before the appt. I do not want to go in detail with the government appointments. 

Week 14 - We met Dr Subra in KPJ Seremban. The Dr was friendly and warm towards us. We had a connection going on even the first appointment. We gave the referral letter from Dr Helena. He was happy to hear Dr Helena's name. We discussed my health condition with Dr. He was not really concerned with the infection as it was quite normal during pregnancy and he will give me antibiotics 2 weeks before delivery. For the HB, he said just to continue the medication given by Dr Helena. We had a scan and baby was doing fine

Week 16, 18, 20 - Scans were done. Baby was in great shape and was growing at a normal phase.

Week 22 - We had a detailed scan with Dr Subra. All the required criteria were good. The baby was a girl as per the scan. I was happy, even though gender did not matter at all for a couple who was trying so hard to get a baby. Dr did not allow me to go back to Raub as my placenta was on the low side and there are chances to miscarry my baby as I have 2 miscarriages before this. I was imagining myself going back to Raub with my husband and can play with my puppy earlier as I wanted to go back after the detailed scan. But my imagination was cut short. It was OK as long my baby was in good health. I wouldn’t do anything that might hurt my baby. I was given an appointment after 1 month.

Week 25- My vomiting stopped. I had it only once in a while.

Week 26 - We had an appointment with Dr Subra. I was shocked to hear that my baby was underweight and was categorized as an Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) baby. Dr mentioned that if the baby's weight was less than 1.8 kg during delivery, she might have complication after birth. She might need to be in NICU which will be very heavy on the cost if it was in KPJ. I might need to consider government hospital for accommodating my baby. I held it together in the Dr's office. But when I came out from the clinic tears started to peak and drop on my cheeks. Dr asked me to get Im Dexa 12mg shot to help baby's lung to mature. My baby's condition really worried me. I had many sleepless nights thinking of it. I updated Dr Helena on my situation. She called me once she read my email. She advised me to drop by at Dr Raman's (FMGC) clinic to get his opinion as well.

Week 26 - We dropped by Dr Raman's clinic. He confirmed baby was on the borderline IUGR and my water level was less. My heart shattered. I then started to read a lot on IUGR babies.

Week 27 - According to Dr Subra's scan, baby was still underweight and my water level was low. He also stressed that my placenta was on the low side. He expected an early delivery. He said he will be happy if I can hold my baby till week 34.

Week 28 - Baby's weight increased but still underweight range. Appointment was every 5 days.

Week 32 - Baby was still underweight and my water level was 8 cm. Dr mentioned that if my water level gets lesser than 6 cm, I will go into an early delivery.

Week 33 - Baby did not gain any weight which definitely had my heart shattered. My water level remained at 8cm. Dr asked me to come in every 3 days. There were many travelling for me and my baby.

Week 34, 3 days (Mon) - Baby's weight was 1.9 kg. My water level was 8 cm.

Week 34 (Mon - Thurs) - Had a lot of pain in my tummy. I was so uncomfortable throughout the week. I had already gained 13 kg so far. Thus, I blamed on the weight for my uncomfortable situation. I did not go to hospital to get checked as I will be going in for my regular checkup on Fri, which will be the starting of my week 35.

Week 35 (Fri) - Baby's weight was 1.9 kg but my water level was only 2cm. I was shocked. Dr scheduled for an emergency Caesar. My sunshine came to my beautiful world at 4.18pm. There were no words that can describe how I felt when I heard her first cry when she was pulled out from my stomach.

The above was a summary what I went through during my pregnancy. I will explain in detail what happened that Friday, 27 Dec 2013 in my next blog entry.

Another unexpected mishap along the way.....

Hi friends,

I am so sorry friends. I have been missing for some time. It was solely due to all the vomiting and nausea. I am feeling very tired and sickly every day. That was the reason for my long silence. Before I get to my story, I would like to apologize as I realize some of your comments have been deleted. I am not so sure why it was removed. I was having this spam comments from some individual and I am not sure if that was the reason. 

My story. Initially, I was supposed to go in for a checkup on Friday. But instead of Friday, I went in Wednesday as my Utrogestan supply was finishing. The nurse said I can't skip it even for a day and I will not be able to get it at pharmacies. Since it was a sudden change, my husband could not join me. The first appointment he missed. My parents brought me to the clinic. My travelling time was 1 and half hour. I was so nauseated along the way. We reached there 1 hour earlier. I thought we could see the doctor earlier and leave. I was wrong. Dr was not in. We waited more than 1 hour. Then Dr came in. I was called. Dr invited my mother to come in as well. We had a small chat and went for the scan. I knew I needed to do the vaginal test again, so I removed my pants. Dr scanned my tummy. She still could not see the heart beat. So she did a vaginal scan. I saw the heart beat. I was so nervous of the count. I did not concentrate on the beat this time. I was just waiting for the count. Dr seemed happier than the previous scan. She said listening to the heart beat, it looks good. She then measured the heart beat. It was 133 bpm. The baby measured 0.83cm. She was happy and so was I. Dr congratulated me. She did a vaginal test again. When she removed the speculum, I saw a tinge of blood on the end of the speculum. I was not worried about that since Dr did not say anything. I thought it was normal. She was excited with the baby's heart beat.

She gave me a prescription to get from the pharmacy downstairs. It was Veloxin to reduce my vomiting. I was not charged for consultation nor scan this time. I was charged only on the test and medicines. We paid and got the Veloxin from the pharmacy as well. We then had chicken rice and left. I was so surprised as I had no nausea after eating rice. Usually I will vomit else nausea full time. I felt perfectly fine only the back pain due to the travel. We reached home at 4pm. I felt something wet down there. I quickly went to the washroom. I was so shocked, stunned and blur. I saw my liner was full of dark brown discharge. I stared at it for some time. I was thinking why my happiness does not prolong as long as I want it to be. I then came back to reality. Quickly grabbed my hp and called the clinic. The nurse advised me to go to the big hospital nearby to get a Proluton jap. I asked her why am I getting this out of nowhere. She said it was due to the vaginal test that was done earlier. I felt so bad as my parents just changed and sat down to have tea. I slowly hesitated and told them. My mother panicked. They quickly changed again and we had to travel another 40 minutes. We went to Columbia Asia Seremban. There was one gynae available. I went and saw him. He checked the baby and she was fine. I was relieved. I was given the jap and we left. I reached home and then only I informed my husband. 

I had the discharge for a few days and it was gone. I received few calls from the clinic if I was ok. Yesterday they called me to get the Zinnat antibiotic for my infection. Looks like I am still having the infection. Although I am feeling very tired and down due to the vomiting, I really do not mind it as long my baby is fine. My next appointment is this Friday. I hope my baby is fine and can give me a more prolonged happiness. 

Total cost at KLFGC  - RM 325

Duphaston 10mg - Tablet      - RM   60

Utrogestan Box                     - RM 210

High Vaginal Swab                - RM   55

Total cost at Kuala Lumpur Sports Medicine Centre - RM 8

Veloxin Tab 25/50mg       - RM 8

Total cost at Columbia Asia Seremban - RM 124

Consultation                      - RM 60

Medicines/ Service Fee     - RM 64

Total cost at Rantau Pharmacy – RM 55

Zinnat antibiotic 250 mg – RM55

The most beautiful voice ever...

Hi friends,

How are all of you guys? I'm so sorry I kept u guys waiting. Thanks for your concern and emails. I really appreciate it. Although I do not know you guys personally, thanks a lot for keeping me in your prayers. My husband and I are really touched. Thanks a lot.

How I felt for the 2ww before the heart beat checkup? I was perfectly fine. No pregnancy symptoms what so ever. I was having more pimples. I was gaining weight since my mother was feeding me nonstop. I felt a bit gaggy for certain smell. Last week, I had bad backache which really concerned me. I read that it could be due to the uterus expansion, ectopic pregnancy or cyst. I really had nightmare thinking of ectopic since I wake up in the middle of the night with so much of pain. It was only on my left side. That really freaked me out. I did not miss all my tablets. I meditate that my baby or babies would be fine every day.

My husband came on Thursday. I really appreciate him for all the days he had to miss work because of the travelling we had to do. Our appointment was at 10.15 am on Friday. We left at 7.45 am. We reached the clinic around 9.20 am. It was such a bad decision to reach early. I was so nervous waiting. Dr came in around 9.50 am. We went in around 10am. I was nervous going in. Dr asked how was my condition and if I had nausea and all. I told her just gaggy a bit and back pain. She looked concerned. That was not what I was looking for. She immediately wanted to scan me. That concerned me. I lay on the bed. I had drank sufficient water hoping that Dr could see from my tummy scan.

She scanned and I could see a sac. I was thinking why she was so silent. Is it that she could not see the heart beat? Whenever Dr Helena is quiet, that would be a bad news at the end. After a while, she said let's do a vaginal scan. My heart would have skipped a beat. All my previous nightmare started crawling back. She then scanned vaginally. I could see the same sac. I started to feel very nervous since she was quiet for some time. After a while, she said there is only one sac. I could see it much earlier already. I knew it was not twins from the beginning of the scan. Again the silent moment continued for some time. She zoomed and looked at it so long. My hubby and I were more nervous. At last she said can you see? I was so nervous. I could not see anything. Hubby was quiet. He also could not see anything. I tilt my head and stared at the monitor. I could see something flickering. I asked her if that was the heart beat. And yes it was. I was excited. She then increased the speaker volume and I could hear my baby. The most amazing and beautiful voice ever heard inside of me. I could hear the baby's heart beat at last. It was very cute. As I was floating away, Dr Helena measured the baby's heart beat. She said it was 94 bpm and she would be happier it was higher. I immediately came back to reality. No more floating. Half of the excitement flew away.

She then requested us to come back next Friday to recheck our baby's heart beat again. She then asked me what medication I was in. She asked me to stop Progynova and Centrum Multivitamin. She introduced additional 3 more medications. It was Calcium tablets, Pharmaton and Duphaston. Besides that, I had to continue my infection medication and my baby aspirin as well.  She asked us not to worry as usually the heart beat will increase by next week. I was 6 weeks 2 days on Friday. We were given the baby's ultrasound photo. The baby is just 0.47 cm. So tiny eh?

We waited our turn to make the payment. The finance officer also asked us not to worry as usually the baby will pick up very fast. I hope so too. We made the payment and left. I felt hungry the whole day. From Saturday onwards, I started vomiting. That was the reason for my delayed blog update. I have an appointment on Friday, 14/7/2013. I hope my baby is more active by Friday.

Total cost at KLFGC   - RM 355

Pharmaton Matruelle 30's - RM 56

Caltrate - Bottle               - RM 34

Canestan - Pessary          - RM 25

Duphaston 10mg - Tablet - RM 60

Consultation                     - RM 80

Scanning/Ultrasound         - RM 100

Total cost at Kuala Lumpur Sports Medicine Centre - RM 8.40

Cardiprin Tab 100mg  - RM 8.40

Another call from the clinic

Hi friends,

I received another call from the clinic today. Nurse B told me that Dr advised me to take another antibiotic for the infection. Oh my. Another addition. It was Zinnat 250mg tablet 2 times a day. I got so worried. I asked her if it was bad. She told me the antibiotics were to prevent infection. Pity my husband. He just got the Canestan Pessary and now he has to go search for another one. He will come over tomorrow. So I will start the medication from tomorrow onwards. I have massive pimples attack since my Ovidrel shot. Now I have so many pimple marks on my face. There are always a few new pimples daily. I hope it will stop soon.

Currently I am taking all the below. I hope my babies will be healthy with all of the below.

Morning

Fish Oil         -1 tablet
Folic Acid    - 1 tablet
Multivitamin - 1 tablet
Vitamin D     - 4 tablets

Utrogestan (Vaginal ) - 2 tablets

Afternoon

Cardiprin - 1 tablet

Utrogestan (Vaginal ) - 2 tablets

Night

Progynova

Utrogestan (Vaginal ) - 2 tablets
Candocort (Vaginal)


** Upcoming addition

Zinnat - 2 tablets (morning and evening)

Canestan Pessary (Vaginal once a week)

Another bump along the journey

Hi friends,
I received an unexpected call from the clinic just now. I was shocked since I did not expect any calls from the clinic. It was regarding my vaginal test last week. I did not know that the sample was send to the lab to be tested. The other day, Dr said no fungal infection. I thought my test was over and I was done. Looks like it was not over. Based on the result, I had some infection. Oh my. I was so shocked as I did not expect it at all. She told some scientific infection name which I did not write down. I will collect the result next week. The nurse asked me to get a medicine called Canesten Pessary 500mg. It is another medicine that should be inserted to the vagina once a week. I will try to find the medicine asap.


Dear babies,

Please hang in there. I know that you are going through a lot like me. I have no intention to make you sick at all. I know you have to take in a lot of medication because of me. I hope that all this medication will make you a healthy baby and not harm you. I really hope to hear your strong heart beat next week. I hope to hear from you soon. I love you my sunshines...